Don't tell me you love me if you're going away,

It's like loving the sun when the sky has turned gray.

Don't tell me you'll miss me or my beautiful face,

When stretched in between us is uncountable space.

If you write me your letters or call on the phone,

The seeds of my hatred shall be rightfully sown.

Your voice is an echo of a chance that's gone by;

A reminder of feelings so old they shall die.

Don't tell me you love me for unless you remain.

You'll be driving this woman completely insane!

 

 

well, aaron is not coming home for Christmas. It's strange though, I don't mind it. It's moments like this that make me question my feelings for him because I'm actually sort of relieved that I don't have to deal with the politics of him being here.

I was thinking today how a huge portion of conversations with my friends can be summed up in two words: boobs and boys. Our times together generally revolve around how we view ourselves and our bodies and the boys we like, or don't like, or who like us. These really are the easiest things to talk about because they don't delve too deep. If we don't cut to deep, nothing sticky or gooey or smelly will seep out. The nasty stuff is still there, but if we don't talk about it, nobody else will notice it. We can pretend it away. When i'm complaining about how both Aaron and Richard like me, both neither one has gotten up the nerve to actually start a relationship, nobody can tell how lonely I am or how confused my world has become. Why are we willing to skim the surface of each other's lives when we are all putrifying under the thin mask that we display?     

Well, once upon a time there was a girl named Sophie. Sophie lived in a medium-sized house on a medium-sized hill in a medium-sized neighborhood. She had a medium-sized family and a medium-sized, shaggy dog. In her medium-sized room, Sophie had a medium-sized dresser, a medium-sized desk, and a medium-sized closet. Against the far wall in Sophie's room was a great-big-huge bed because Sophie herself was anything but medium-sized. From the moment she was born, Sophie was rather large. She was always the tallest in her class. She started to play basketball in Kindergarten and her coach put her on the varsity team at her school as soon as he could. When she was in highschool, she decided to start playing volleyball and she was pretty good at that too. Life for Sophie was pretty amazing. She had parents who loved her, a little sister who adored her, a house to live in, food to eat, and great friends to hang out with. She could never quite understand the people who complained or fought each other because they seemed to disturb the peace that filled the Earth. Sophie thought life would continue on like that forever, but it couldn't. One day in early Fall when she was 11, Sophie's mommy and daddy brought her and her sister into the livingroom. Mommy was sick with a thing called cancer. Cancer was very bad, but mommy was going to fight it and get better for her little girls. And mommy did. The doctors couldn't explain it, but mommy could - God had made the cancer go away. So life went on again so blissfully normal until Sophie was a Freshman in highschool, and mommy got sick again. A year later, mommy died. As Sophie quietly sang the hymns at mommy's funeral, she gazed at all the tearfull faces surrounded by a sea of black. It seemed like she could hear her world cracking and falling to the ground in tiny pieces. Pain, hate, and confusion entered her life. When everyone else was sleeping, Sophie would curl up under her covers and weep in the dark. Life was not as simple as she had thought. Sophie wept until she ran out of tears. Then she had to put on a brave face and pretend that everything was as it always was. It wasn't. It never could be again. Under the thin facade that was the happy, quirky, intelligent Sopie lay a Sophie that struggled to get out of bed every day. Her eyes always felt like tears were about to fall. Suddenly everything was a battle. Her friends no longer agreed about anything ao they parted company. Sophie struggled to hold on to all of her friends, but it was a constant battle to try to balance time spent with each and favors paid to each. It was all just too overwhelming, so Sophie retreated to her medium-sized house and her medium-sized room. When it was time to go to college, Sophie enrolled in the college 10 minutes from her house. Life was looking better! A change a scenery and a chance to make new friends where just what Sophie thought she needed. A few weeks in, Sophie realized college was not what she thought it would be. Making new friends required time and energy that Sophie did not want to sacrifice in the name of her social life, so Sophie slowly became more and more lonely. Her friends from highschool went out every night and made lots of new friends. They got new boyfriends and broke up with them. But Sophie didn't want to date any of the guys at her new school. Sophie wanted Aaron. She had always wanted Aaron for as long as boys had stopped having cooties. Sophie had never gone out with any other boys because she liked Aaron. However, as she got older she found several things that disrupted her perfect dream of Aaron and their happily ever after. She thought that they probably had little if any chance they would ever get married. When she told her friends her thoughts, they were amazed that she would still want to date Aaron even if she thought it would never work out. They didn't like him anyway. Her friend who had just gone through a painful breakup almost felt like Sophie was belittling her pain by setting herself up for the same. Aaron was a Marine so Sophie didn't get to see him very much, but through their correspondance Sophie thought that Aaron would finally make their relationship formal when he came back for Christmas. Sophie wanted that more than anything, but would it alienate her already tenuous relationships with her friends? Sophie thinks life is just too confusing!